full moon

it's been one of those weeks. i should have known when i was taking one of the guys to the train and saw the full moon looming to the right. i have been fighting a cold since thanksgiving day. the guys got sick as well. we postponed a photo shoot because of our sniffles and i found out that i am still battling a viral infection from when i was sick almost a month ago.

i was sitting at the rickety fold-up table in the stockroom at the sweatshop where i work, innocently reading my O Magazine, when one of the old crochety women who works there asks me what i am reading. I flip the magazine over and she sees Oprah on the cover with Ellen. She begins calling Oprah an immoral woman because she won't marry Steadman. I reply: "She doesn't believe in marriage." "Well, that's why she's immoral", she retorts. I explained that committment is a heart issue, marriage is a legal one. I then made some reference to some of us immortals are prohibited from being married by law so what's the point. She became so angry she started shaking and started nervously making calls on her cell phone. Episode #1.

I came home just to see the disappointing news about the NY Gay Marriage Vote and felt the terrible gloom that makes it's appearances in my heart. It is the kind of gloom that makes me feel displaced...that wonders why it was placed here only to enjoy a portion of the rights I deserve, that is hated by a huge part of the population and that is still trying to navigate 'the way': the way to love people who do not love me: to not become the very thing that hates me. it is the tightest tightrope in the world.

I logged onto Facebook where I had made a fairly innocent remark about not supporting war in any capacity. Some right wing fanatic who has made guest appearances on my page before starting spouting apocolyptic jargon and then was going on about how society is damned because of soy milk and PETA. I try to love and receive all as Isis does...but I had a human moment. I said "Enough of this foolishness" and I deleted him from my page. He then sent me a private message, which I deleted without reading...and then he emailed one of my brothers and told him that I was a sensor and couldn't handle debate. Whatever. I then blocked him. Then I received this from one of HIS friends this morning (saying that he was asked to send it to me):

Gay Sinner Repent! you immerse yourself in your sinful lifestyle, pray to gods and goddesses that dont exist; ignore the one that sits on the throne because you wish to indulge your sin. The kingdom will never be yours until you repent. Unhappiness will always find you, you will never be happy in that lifestyle and mindset. You have had failed relationship after failed relationship. You will suffer again and again and again until you repent.

You are lost and will be until you choose the path of righteousness.

Wow. I read it to my brother this morning and said how I really truly believe that this brand of Christians are the real thing we should be fearful of in 2010. This is the kind of message I would expect to see attached to a body bomb of some sort. Seriously disturbing how these people believe that they are the voice of God to the world. I hate to break it to these folks, but we are not in the Old Testament anymore. I know we want to see the angry God rise from the ashes sin fury and smite the world and turn people into pillars of salt...but it's not going to happen. It's not going to happen anymore than you may return in your next life as a character from Lord of the Rings.

These are the reasons I have converted to Buddhism. Do I still have a relationship with Jesus? Absolutely. I love the Jesus that I know...but I do not know The Terrible One: this vengeful Father God that is upheld by the Pat Robertson's of the world.

I do seek to be one who is inclusive and I still falter and fall short in that area. It's difficult to include those who do not wish to include you...but somehow I have to find that place inside.

I was sitting here this morning working on business for our album and upcoming show and missed words and needed to sit down and pour this out. I had to find the center. The cat sat above me and ran her paws through my hair and began to lick it. I felt her giving me unconditional love in the way that she knows how to give it.

I thought about the wonderful community of people that has pulled together this year and became grateful for the love that I do have...not the love that I do NOT have.

I dream about a world that blends all of the elements together. Interfaith, multi-cultural, multi-racial, genre-less and full of love....Apparently the idea of peace has become a laughable and ridiculous prospect to people, but I still wish for it....there's still a call to us all to love all humanity as my dear friend teri desario once wrote...i'll never give up on it....

storyteller

i sent the guarddog home
threw caution to the wind
and cleared off the canvas


devoid of exlusive deitiy
rid of loveless lies
free of fearful falsehoods
i hush the howling hounds
and run towards the river
create

she rises up in me
and the story long surpressed
forces it's way out
'say your name'
she grabs my shoulder and commands
i shutter and weep as i whisper
'storyteller'

i stand ashamed as i remember
the accuser's envy for being who i am
and the silence that followed
the slow death that began
until i remembered
'don't you know who i am'

curator of words
lover of lyric
vocalizer
poet
storyteller
god and goddess
i am
that i am

weekly random report

1. SOULKISS completed our first three songs for our album on sunday. it has to be one of the greatest sessions i've ever been a part of. we completed vocals on three songs, leads and backgrounds, essentially in one take. we did two takes of most songs just so we'd have a backup if there were some pitchy spots, but it was like being back in the 70s. we were all miked and we did our vocals together so that you will actually be listening to a group sing TOGETHER, not sing everything perfectly so that all of the emotion is sucked out of it. we hope to release late spring...more to come.

2. working like crazy on our 2010 plan. we are looking at a tour to coincide with the release...and this time, it will include the UK and Europe. we are looking at venues now...so if you have any information on London, Northern England, Germany, Sweden, the Netherlands and Japan, please hit me up at tim@timdillinger.com!

3. very excited to have heard two rough mixes on elizabeth cunningham's 'maevensong' cd which i was a part of producing. it is absolutely riveting and probably the greatest music i have ever been a part of. be sure to check her out at http://elizabethandmaeve.blogspot.com and www.passionofmarymagdalen.com. her books are essential reading. you can purchase them at www.amazon.com.

4. very excited about my trip to Nashville next week. all of the details on the performance are on the prior post. it will be my first time performing in nashville since last september on my birthday! i'm looking forward to singing with my old musical companions there.

5. not as silly as some of the prior random emails. guess there's alot to talk about this week :) be encouraged everybody...and i'll write more soon...

Nashville Performance Next Week!!

it is what it is

It has been a long time since I've really written. I've toyed with some lyrics and I've worked some on my fictional work, but it's been almost two months since I really focused and let the muse speak. It's been hard to find that space. Between preparing for shows, handling the SOULKISS bookings, working a part-time job and maintaining my relationships, it has been challenging to just drop it all and create.

When Elizabeth and I were in Nashville, I was reminded of how many stories there are to tell...and how many great storytellers I know. I also realized that there is a part of me that guards them....that holds them close....that wants to save them for those who gain access to the holy of holies...that sacred space or circle, if you will. I realize that that is selfish...that the stories are meant to be, as my mother once sang, given away...freely. So I'm working on that.

I have also been contending with my continual back and forth/love-hate relationship with this life: this gypsy life. I have lived the past 9 years of my life living to sing. There has been, virtually, no other focus. My one attempt at living my life outside of the song was disastrous...and was honestly the reason I moved to New York and made the decision to go for it. This is it. Now or never. And it has been a successful time. And I see it gaining momentum every day.

It is the moments outside of the song that are difficult. Those are the moments that are, quite honestly, hard to live. Those are the moments that feel loveless...incomplete...languid. I find comfort in knowing that most of my heroes have lived and felt this way. In the song, I am. period. In the song, none of the things that concern me outside of the song exist: It doesn't matter than I am single. It doesn't matter that I am where I am financially. The spirit overtakes all of those things and for those 90 minutes that I/we are on stage, we transcend it.

And then when it is over, I crash. I am reminded that it is what it is. And I have to contend with it.

Probably not the most encouraging blog, but I always feel compelled to be truthful and to be honest. I'm not a showbiz kinda guy. This is real. This is what it is. I think every creative person has, at least momentarily, felt this way. So this is me sharing.

the weekly random report

1. I know I'm about 20 years late on this, but I am addicted to Murder, She Wrote. I never watched it while it was actually on network television, but I DVR the reruns on the Hallmark Channel and wish I had paid attention to this.


2. I returned to the sweatshop after being out sick for a week. And yes, it is still as torturous as I remembered it being. I'm grateful for the provision that it brings to this singer/songwriter, but would be thrilled to have a part-time job in a library or something that would be provide me the same flexibility that this job does. Argh.


3. On the upswing, the sweatshop is helping get the SOULKISS album off the ground. We head back in the studio on Sunday to lay down our vocals on the three rhythm tracks we have started...and in rehearsal tonight, we decided on the next song we will record a track for.


4. While I was home sick, I saw Aretha Franklin on a Soul Train rerun from 1972. She was singing tunes from "Young, Gifted & Black", one of my favorite albums by her. She was singing live, which rarely happened on Soul Train and I was recaptivated by this woman who eminated the richest soul possible during that time period. It made me get out the albums she made between 1972 and 1975 and I have to say, they are completely underrated. If you're a vinyl head, get "With Everything I Feel In Me"...and anyone can get "Hey Now Hey" and "Amazing Grace" on iTUNES. Pure brilliance.

5. There is a gig coming up in Nashville on the 21st. I will post details tonight. Hope all of my Nashville friends can come out...

More later. I love you guys.

the don't tell mama shows

the past two weeks have been two of the most special weeks of my life. this year has been loaded with experiences beyond my wildest dreams. the past two weeks with charlene moore have been, at the risk of understatment, pretty amazing.

the rehearsals were spirit filled. charlene's presence brought the best out in all of us. when david sang 'fools fall in love' in the first rehearsal, i cried like i was in church. we began recording our album the same week and just having her there as a sounding board, was profound.

the energy the night of the first show was crazy. people were lined up out the door of the venue and when we finally hit the stage, we were ready. martha wash, one of our favorite vocalists, was in the audience and it was kind of uncanny having here there while we paid tribute to her, izora and sylvester.

as we did the encore, a medley of dottie rambo's 'he looked beyond on my fault' and the sylvester/patti anthem 'you are my friend', the song took a turn. the kind of turn that happens in church. what happened afterwards was 20 minutes of improvisation and the night turned from a bawdy, bluesy gathering to a revivial. i will never forget the sound of the audience or the sight of elizabeth cunningham's arms uplifted as she rose from her seat. the goddess was with us.

the night following the show, i felt myself starting to get ill. something wasn't right in my throat. it wasn't sore, but it was irritated. i started my regiment of tea, but it wasn't touching the achiness that was beginning to take over my body. by sunday night, i had a temperature. i was up most of the night sweating and monday, all i could do was sleep. the temperature rose and fell most of monday. it hit 102 and i called the doctor. his assistant said to go to the er if my fever hit anything over 100 before morning came. i got up around 5 and my brother took my temperature and hit had hit 103. we rushed to the er only to wait for two hours for nothing to happen.

i opted to leave and thankfully my doctor got me in. i started antibiotics and worried about whether or not i would be able to do friday's show. then one of my soulkiss brothers got a cold. we both medicated and kept positive and sure enough, by friday, we were passable.

something happened when we hit the stage on the 30th. we found that 'thing' that true lovers of song have. i've experienced moments when i couldn't whisper, and when i hit the stage, the voice came from nowhere and this past friday was one of those experiences. we made it through the show without a single cough or voice break. charlene was brilliant, once again, and the spirit rose. i saw one of our dear friends reduced to tears and the mere sound of her voice.

when i reviewed the footage for youtube, the majority of the clips i chose came from that second night. something otherworldly happens when you are forced to find that place inside and spirit has to simply rise to make it all work. and that's what this past friday's show was.

on sunday, charlene's birthday arrived and she wanted to go to church, so we packed up in the car and went with her. as the service was reaching an end, i felt the presence of spirit. i began to cry...i never can deny it. i find as i get older, my ability to be reserved evades me more and more. i remember my head dropping in surrender and the tears flowed. i felt one brothers hand on my back. i felt my other brother take my hand. with my eyes closed, we met in that other place. that place that is, as elizabeth has written about, between the worlds. while we were physically in this place together, we were spiritually together in another place. it was sacred. it was holy. and i will never forget it.

people see the videos and come to the shows and imagine that we are in a certain place. but i can be transparent enough to say that we are yet in that pending place. we are on our way. things are happening, but there are still day to day worries...day to day needs...day to day questions...and momentary forgetfullness of what we know lies ahead. but we are given these moments to remember..and remember...and remember again.

be sure to check all of the clips at www.youtube.com/timdillinger

never like this

tonight's rehearsal was something. SOMETHING. we had two full band rehearsals and felt spirit...but i guess it's only fitting that the rehearsal most reminiscent of how SOULKISS began would be the one where it really happened: right in the living room.

we sat down tonight to work out a few kinks. we did so, and then went into a song that we are doing in a tribute segment of the show and something different happened with it. the rhythm changed...the cadence shifted...the mood moved. i guess the simplest way to say it is that the holy ghost came in.

charlene moore began doing what she does best: feeling it. the hairs on my arm stood up and i began doing my back and forth rock. we got locked into a call and response that simply said "Never...never...never like this"...and in my mind, i fell into the moment.

never. like. this.

this.

the moment jumped out like a 3d movie. i remembered where i was this time last year. scared out of my mind. i had just made the decision to move to new york. i didn't really know if i could. there was alot of uncertainty. a friendship that i treasured was unravelling. and here i sit now. a year later.

yes, there is still a long way to go, but i have spent the past 10 months doing what i love...with people that i love...and expanding relationships that nourish and encourage. i am creatively entirely fulfilled. the music that we are creating is what i have wanted to do my whole career. my whole life actually.

so yes. i've been in love before, but never like this. just in love with life--even the low moments. i feel myself getting stronger...all of this comradarie is like strength in my bones. i pull on it and remember in the lonely, midnight hours...when i think it's just me...and i remember that i have combrogos...companions....

it is the most amazing time of my life. i have walked thru the hard times. the devistation. the heartbreak. the disappointment. and here i am.

never like this.